Divorce is no laughing matter. Yet if you’re thinking of getting a divorce, you need to know that it shares a secret with comedy. Timing. Experienced stand-up comics know their timing has a big effect on an audience’s reaction. If they get it wrong, they won’t get the laughs they yearn for. Most people going through a divorce, are going through it for the first time. They don’t get a chance to rehearse. If they get the timing wrong they’re more likely to have a bitter, drawn out and expensive experience. Get it right, and they’ve a better chance of experiencing something altogether less hostile, quicker and less expensive. And I haven’t even mentioned the effect a bad divorce has on children. But then everyone will say that they put their children first, even as they are dragging each other through the courts.
So what do I mean by timing? I’m not talking here about whether it’s better to start during the school term or during the holidays. I’m talking about that time which is when both parties are ready to move on. One of the classic ways to get the timing wrong is to start a divorce when there is a good chance the other party is still some way behind, emotionally speaking. In most divorces, one person will have been thinking about how to end the marriage for some months or even years before they first raise the idea. It can come as a real shock to their spouse. Going into shock makes it difficult to think rationally. In extreme cases can make that person think they will change their spouse’s mind if they fight. Fighting for their marriage, so they think, shows how much they care. Except to the other person, the fight is not seen as a loving act of defiance, but as a hostile, aggressive act. And this will often start a fight which will only be finished by a knockout or by a referee’s decision.
A good divorce and positive recovery should be everyone’s goal. Divorce is a journey not a fight. It’s a journey shared, but with one traveller usually starting off well before the other. Their destination will be the same, although it’s not necessarily clear to both of them at the start. But wherever the tracks take them, if they can reach the destination together they may achieve that positive recovery more easily. To achieve a timely divorce, sometimes the faster one needs to be slowed down and the slower one to be speeded up. Mediation helps with this. Mediators will help couples manage the pace by creating a mutually acceptable timetable. The legal process tends to be governed by timetable which is created by lawyers or by the courts. It’s set by the person who starts first, and often resisted by the other. And the result? It’s like lighting a touch paper. Boom! And suddenly it’s all out of control.
So if you want to spend lots of money on your divorce, by all means feel free to try to impose your will and pace on the process. But if you do, be prepared to dig deep into your pockets to pay for your professional support. Work together with your spouse, no matter how tough it is, and you may well achieve the seemingly elusive better and ultimately quicker ending.
I am Stephen G Anderson and I am a family mediator.